...and then Christmas of 2009 came around, we both went to our home towns for Christmas and New Years, he bought me this Pink Fossil watch, I loved it. At this point I'm on Cloud 9 with Edward. Then he came back from California (where he's from) and told me he wanted to talk, but he warned me the talk wasn't going to be bad. Well in a nut shell he broke up with me. He told me he realized that he didn't want to marry someone that had kids, he wanted to marry someone with no kids an start fresh with them.
All I could do was say WOW, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I moved on, but I hated him, I didn't want him in my life, he tried but I would tell him to go f**k yourself.
Let's fast forward a couple of years, he emails me and tried to be friends. I say yes, but mind you he's engaged and is consistently flirting with the friend line. I had one boyfriend during our friendship and he would respect that, but as soon as I didn't have a man in my life, he would flirt with that boundary again. It's like he respected me more than his finance. In the summer of 2015 I made the unthinkable mistake, I met Edward in another state and I had sex with him. I have now started an affair with my married ex-boyfriend. The minute i saw him, it was like time stood still, we were Natasha and Edward all over again. That weekend was magical, we connected, we talked. I was supposed to be one carrying his baby, I was supposed to be the one with his last name. We continued our friendship, but I needed a break because my feelings for him kept on creeping on the romantic level. Fast forward to present, he told me if or when he gets divorce, he'll marry me. Half of me is like YES, and the other half of me is like No! you had your chance and I wasn't good enough for you. I feel like I'm chasing a ghost or an opportunity that's not mind to have. I feel like I need to break free of Edward, but our friendship is something I treasure, can I keep it friendly? he says he can, but can I? He wants to take a trip to Estes Park with me, but I'm thinking this town screams ROMANCE, not two friends kickin it, especially when these two friends who used to be romantically involved. If we were friends and he wasn't married, I'd let him come up to Estes Park with me because at least there wouldn't be the third person in the picture.
...enough story telling time - it's confession time...I don't feel bad for her, I want to feel bad for her, but I don't. For two reasons 1) I feel like she took him from me and 2) she doesn't take care of him like she should. But what do I do now? Stay friends or cut all ties with him off? When I do, I miss him, it's like Carrie and Big,
What if I told you ... What if letting go means finding your true love? Would you let go? But, of course I would!! If my feelings for him crosses the friendship line, then I will separate myself from him.
Just like I take time and effort to plan my future when it comes to building my career and my investments, I need to take the time to know me, forgive myself for my past mistakes, give myself "ME TIME" no matter how busy my days get, I need and will take the effort to read, write and talk to God. This trip has helped me see how important it truly is.
This is why God made me drop my phone - I wouldn't have gotten this journal and wouldn't have written my feelings down and have some one on one time talking to God! Thank you God - you are true blessing in my life that I'm truly grateful for - always and forever! Thank you God!
Do I want to share this life on earth with a man? Do I want to create priceless memories with the man God wants to me to be with? YES, YES - YES screaming from the tops of the mountains...YES YES YES I want to experience what love is, the way God intended it to be! YES - I forgive myself
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