Last night I rented two movies "Under the Tuscan Sun" and "Eat Pray Love." I didn't know that these movies were about women trying to find themselves after a divorce...
I've been here a little over one day and this is the first time I'm sitting by the river. This scene is perfect for relaxation and self reflection, perfect for analyzing the two movies I watched.
Before watching the movies last night, I was thinking of my past relationships and crushes. What do they have in common? I loved/liked them more they loved/liked me and the man that I'm going to love is going to love me so much that I won't be chasing him.
First movie - "Under the Tucson Sun" - the one thing I took away from it, is have peace with your current situation. The character's situation and mine were very similar - divorced, hurt by the divorce, but still believed in love, wanted to love again and even tried to love again. I pray every night or darn close to every night for God to send me my true love, that I'm ready. I have an amazing job, I'm building an amazing career path, I'm a good mom-and I'm always striving to be better. I own my own house and my own car. I have my stuff together, I don't need a man, I WANT a man. What am I missing? Am I not good enough to be married? Did I build this life so concrete solid that I have blocked a man from even trying to come into and have a role in it? I do my finances, learning to do "to-dos" list around the house and I make my own money. If a man saw that, they'd think what does she need me for? But what am I supposed to do? Not fulfill my dreams because I'm banking on a man to be there to build them with me? The dreams I built are the ones I need to put a roof over our heads, to put food in our mouths and to get from Point A to Point B, those dreams were necessities. I do have other dreams 1) travel to another country 2) build a vacation home 3) have a house full of kids - those dreams I would like to build with the man of my dreams - or of God's dream for me. So this movie taught me to be still and be at peace with what I have and when I have peace, is when he'll come knocking at my door :) if like the move, literally come knocking at my door.
2nd movie - Eat, Pray, Love
Now that movie and I had a lot of similarities.
Divorce is hard - you think you found the one, no more sleepless nights - no more fear of dying alone - you have found "the one." The one becomes not the one because he cheated, he beat you and he lied to you. The hard part of it was he wanted the divorce - he didn't want my forgiveness. He just wanted me out of his life and he'll see the boys on his weekends - he didn't fight for me. However, he did fight for me during our first holiday season; my family was in town and the boys and I had already moved out into another home - but he couldn't wait until they left - he wanted to fight for me right then and there - and since I didn't let him he moved on. That was such a big slap in my face - OUR love wasn't worth you waiting ONE day? and I wasn't testing him, I truly wanted to wait until my sister left, which was the next day. That hurt even more, but also felt, empowering - you cannot boss me around. It didn't help that we married at 23 years old, so instead of healing the right way, I healed the only way I knew how and that was by screwing every man that came my way. The way my ex-husband screwed me. Revenge was the name of the game I played it well, I thought.
Forgiveness - forgiving myself for a failed marriage. I've forgiven him for not trying, for cheating and for beating me. In my heart and verbally I have told him, you are forgiven. But, do I need to forgive myself for not trying? for not being mature enough for marriage? Those questions are new to me, but makes sense. Did I not try hard enough, should I have given him the chance to fight for our marriage that one night? It takes two to make it work and that night there was only one person trying - but I tried so many times before that. How do I forgive myself? Maybe I wasn't mature enough, we weren't mature enough. Do I say, you are forgiven Natasha - you know what it takes to make a marriage work - and that's God - you didn't have a relationship with God 9 years ago. It's not going to be roses - it's not going to be sexy time all the time - it's hard work, 24/7. Even when you don't feel like working - you need to work at it. It's putting your pride aside and listening to him - its having an open mind and open heart all the time even when you are hurt, and hurt by him, the one person who knows you the best - he will hurt you - and you will need to keep that heart open at all times and not close it, like you did with Hank (husband #1).
That is deep for me - never have I thought it that way - I always thought I put 100% in my marriage...
No comments:
Post a Comment