In God's Time

Falling in Love Post Divorce: after about 1 1/2 years together I was in love with Edward and I thought he was in love too.  Our relationship started as friends and then we become friends with benefits. One night he took me out to dinner at the Spaghetti restaurant in Mountain Home and that's the night we made it official, we were in a committed relationship.  I wanted him and he wanted me, I was on my way to love again.  He loved the boys and the boys loved him.  He would teach Jack how to play basketball, he would entertain Mario by watching Mario dance.  I cooked dinner for all four of us, it was perfect.  I was in Love!!!......

...and then Christmas of 2009 came around, we both went to our home towns for Christmas and New Years, he bought me this Pink Fossil watch, I loved it.  At this point I'm on Cloud 9 with Edward.  Then he came back from California (where he's from) and told me he wanted to talk, but he warned me the talk wasn't going to be bad. Well in a nut shell he broke up with me.  He told me he realized that he didn't want to marry someone that had kids, he wanted to marry someone with no kids an start fresh with them.

All I could do was say WOW, that hit me like a ton of bricks.  I moved on, but I hated him, I didn't want him in my life, he tried but I would tell him to go f**k yourself. 

Let's fast forward a couple of years, he emails me and tried to be friends.  I say yes, but mind you he's engaged and is consistently flirting with the friend line.  I had one boyfriend during our friendship and he would respect that, but as soon as I didn't have a man in my life, he would flirt with that boundary again.  It's like he respected me more than his finance.  In the summer of 2015 I made the unthinkable mistake, I met Edward in another state and I had sex with him.  I have now started an affair with my married ex-boyfriend.  The minute i saw him, it was like time stood still, we were Natasha and Edward all over again.  That weekend was magical, we connected, we talked. I was supposed to be one carrying his baby,  I was supposed to be the one with his last name.  We continued our friendship, but I needed a break because my feelings for him kept on creeping on the romantic level.  Fast forward to present, he told me if or when he gets divorce, he'll marry me.  Half of me is like YES, and the other half of me is like No! you had your chance and I wasn't good enough for you.  I feel like I'm chasing a ghost or an opportunity that's not mind to have.  I feel like I need to break free of Edward, but our friendship is something I treasure, can I keep it friendly? he says he can, but can I? He wants to take a trip to Estes Park with me, but I'm thinking this town screams ROMANCE, not two friends kickin it, especially when these two friends who used to be romantically involved.  If we were friends and he wasn't married, I'd let him come up to Estes Park with me because at least there wouldn't be the third person in the picture.

...enough story telling time - it's confession time...I don't feel bad for her, I want to feel bad for her, but I don't.  For two reasons 1) I feel like she took him from me and 2) she doesn't take care of him like she should.  But what do I do now? Stay friends or cut all ties with him off? When I do, I miss him, it's like Carrie and Big,  

What if I told you ... What if letting go means finding your true love? Would you let go? But, of course I would!! If my feelings for him crosses the friendship line, then I will separate myself from him.  

Just like I take time and effort to plan my future when it comes to building my career and my investments, I need to take the time to know me, forgive myself for my past mistakes, give myself "ME TIME" no matter how busy my days get, I need and will take the effort to read, write and talk to God.  This trip has helped me see how important it truly is. 

This is why God made me drop my phone - I wouldn't have gotten this journal and wouldn't have written my feelings down and have some one on one time talking to God! Thank you God - you are true blessing in my life that I'm truly grateful for - always and forever! Thank you God! 

Do I want to share this life on earth with a man? Do I want to create priceless memories with the man God wants to me to be with? YES, YES - YES screaming from the tops of the mountains...YES YES YES  I want to experience what love is, the way God intended it to be! YES - I forgive myself 

Day Two:ONE Love

Last night I rented two movies "Under the Tuscan Sun" and "Eat Pray Love."  I didn't know that these movies were about women trying to find themselves after a divorce...

I've been here a little over one day and this is the first time I'm sitting by the river.  This scene is perfect for relaxation and self reflection, perfect for analyzing the two movies I watched.  

Before watching the movies last night, I was thinking of my past relationships and crushes.  What do they have in common?  I loved/liked them more they loved/liked me and the man that I'm going to love is going to love me so much that I won't be chasing him.

First movie - "Under the Tucson Sun" - the one thing I took away from it, is have peace with your current situation.  The character's situation and mine were very similar - divorced, hurt by the divorce, but still believed in love, wanted to love again and even tried to love again.  I pray every night or darn close to every night for God to send me my true love, that I'm ready.  I have an amazing job, I'm building an amazing career path, I'm a good mom-and I'm always striving to be better.  I own my own house and my own car.  I have my stuff together, I don't need a man, I WANT a man.  What am I missing? Am I not good enough to be married? Did I build this life so concrete solid that I have blocked a man from even trying to come into and have a role in it? I do my finances, learning to do "to-dos" list around the house and I make my own money.  If a man saw that, they'd think what does she need me for? But what am I supposed to do? Not fulfill my dreams because I'm banking on a man to be there to build them with me?  The dreams I built are the ones I need to put a roof over our heads, to put food in our mouths and to get from Point A to Point B, those dreams were necessities.  I do have other dreams 1) travel to another country 2) build a vacation home 3) have a house full of kids - those dreams I would like to build with the man of my dreams - or of God's dream for me.  So this movie taught me to be still and be at peace with what I have and when I have peace, is when he'll come knocking at my door :)  if like the move, literally come knocking at my door. 

2nd movie - Eat, Pray, Love
Now that movie and I had a lot of similarities.  

 Divorce is hard - you think you found the one, no more sleepless nights - no more fear of dying alone - you have found "the one."  The one becomes not the one because he cheated, he beat you and he lied to you.  The hard part of it was he wanted the divorce - he didn't want my forgiveness.  He just wanted me out of his life and he'll see the boys on his weekends - he didn't fight for me.  However, he did fight for me during our first holiday season; my family was in town and the boys and I had already moved out into another home - but he couldn't wait until they left - he wanted to fight for me right then and there - and since I didn't let him he moved on.  That was such a big slap in my face - OUR love wasn't worth you waiting ONE day? and I wasn't testing him, I truly wanted to wait until my sister left, which was the next day.  That hurt even more, but also felt, empowering - you cannot boss me around.  It didn't help that we married at 23 years old, so instead of healing the right way, I healed the only way I knew how and that was by screwing every man that came my way.  The way my ex-husband screwed me.  Revenge was the name of the game I played it well, I thought. 

Forgiveness - forgiving myself for a failed marriage.  I've forgiven him for not trying, for cheating and for beating me.  In my heart and verbally I have told him, you are forgiven.  But, do I need to forgive myself for not trying? for not being mature enough for marriage? Those questions are new to me, but makes sense.  Did I not try hard enough, should I have given him the chance to fight for our marriage that one night?  It takes two to make it work and that night there was only one person trying - but I tried so many times before that.  How do I forgive myself? Maybe I wasn't mature enough, we weren't mature enough.  Do I say, you are forgiven Natasha - you know what it takes to make a marriage work - and that's God - you didn't have a relationship with God 9 years ago.  It's not going to be roses - it's not going to be sexy time all the time - it's hard work, 24/7.  Even when you don't feel like working - you need to work at it.  It's putting your pride aside and listening to him - its having an open mind and open heart all the time even when you are hurt, and hurt by him, the one person who knows you the best - he will hurt you - and you will need to keep that heart open at all times and not close it, like you did with Hank (husband #1).

That is deep for me - never have I thought it that way - I always thought I put 100% in my marriage...